Feeling the stress

I did pretty well this year over the exam period at not getting too stressed and feeling like I couldn’t do it, but now exams are over I’m feeling a whole range of emotion that I didn’t expect to.

Last year I felt very down leading up to and during the exam period. I felt as though I couldn’t do it, that I was out of my depth, that school had never prepared me for this. This year, I was better prepared. I knew how to tackle my revision more effectively, past papers were going reasonably well. Sure, there were things I didn’t understand, there were exams I knew I would struggle with, but I knew I’d done my best and that I couldn’t ask myself for anything more. I knew I could make a stab at whatever was thrown at me.

Now that they’re over, that wave of hopelessness has finally hit. I’m more stressed than I’ve been all year, and I can’t work out what it’s about. My list of 10 things to do every day (last post) lasted little over half a week before I descended into a routine-less, stressful way of life.

This summer is the summer I really have to throw myself further into the adult world than I ever have before. I’m planning a bellringing tour for my university society, and while booking accommodation, food, T-shirts has been easy, communicating and coordinating with dozens of church towers has been exhausting. I’ve finally come into contact with adults who are uncooperative, unresponsive, plain lazy or even rude, adults who don’t want the best for me and who don’t want to make my life any easier.

I’ve also spent the last two summers working for my dad. While the offer’s still on the table this year, I know it isn’t the best way to grow my CV and my skill set. I was hopeful at the beginning of the year, applying for internships and jobs within the university, and though I am very grateful for the short, unpaid internship I have managed to secure, it’s nowhere near the length I’d hoped, and the rest of the summer is a terrifying blank canvas.

I don’t know what more I can do to sort the things that I’m stressed about out, and will probably just have to wait until it’s all over and time runs out. And that’s not how I thought this relative freedom would feel.